wow - i haven't written in here since forever and a day. "so, what's new?" he says. well - the grass ain't green and the leaves are falling, so winter is coming. Chicago is cold and when i say cold, I mean testicles arise! it's true and guys shouldn't be ashamed to share this fact.

i had a private screening of my documentary film last week and i'm still sorta clouded in the head about it. it was good and bad at once. good - in the sense that i got to see a flick i made on the big screen. bad - in the sense that 1. weather was quite crap-alicious so people bailed from their RSVP 2. i could hear in mind what people were thinking when i was watching it (didn't feel right) and 3. i wished i had refined my art project a little bit more.

so - yes, i'm back to the drawing board, but not on clean canvass, rather placement of what was already laid out. just gotta make what i got better. another draft if you will (and if the term is used for beer, i'll have two).

i feel like i can never get used to critique. for me - it always depends on who it's coming from and what the subject matter is. i've always been a writer and ever since being placed in reading level B in 5th grade, i've felt below the standard of excellence. so i've always tried to excel to touch the sky, yet no matter how many times i've had to face peer to peer review, it always depended on who it was coming from and what it was about. i'm not gonna take cooking advice from someone who's never touched a skillet before. and not to say, i'm not gonna take viewer advice from someone who's never made a movie before - but if you're gonna give me feedback, back it up with something concrete within the film. nothing like 'man, this part sucked' or 'i thought this was boring' - without leaving the film aesthetic of why it sucked or why it was boring. i can fix your problem, just gimmie a good reason to.

next - wow - i never thought i'd fall into a situation where i'd find that friends have become more high maintenance as i've gotten older. i'm probably becoming guilty of this myself by concentrating on my film and not being able to hang out as much as i use to. but geez - i go make a film and ask people to come out, then i don't get any love back. ouch...i'm sorry. i didn't know i had to call or email you every week to make sure you were okay. i figure once every two weeks is sorta standard and even upscale as far as 'guy' standards are concerned. and if this doesn't fly, then let it be....i can't take back thoughts that have accumulated by one's self.

i'm tired - i've said this during periods in my life when i've become mentally exhausted. now if people know me well enough, i usually do try my best to flip that frown upside down and show some ass crack for the sake of giggle giggle, tickle, tickle. but with this film taking hold of me, high maintenance friends exhiling me from their lives, and darker days before my eyes....well, i'm tired. maybe out of minute depression, lack of exercise, or maybe not accepting the turn of tides.

changes are happening, my friends. i'm becoming too old to accept, yet i'm the one adding to the phenomenon. people have passed me by and i can't do anything about it.

sidenote - google 'kevin smith's blog.' yeah - the dude who did clerks. his shiet is high-larious! later.