jokes, and jokes, and jokes

OKAY - so i get the whole "i'm just talking to myself" at work thing. BUT
"COME ON" (the infamous werds of this blog) don't overuse it to sound like
you're this super busy person! it also sounds irritable - like you're
speaking under your breath about something instead of complaining outloud
like a person with confidence. i like the people that tell jokes to
themselves instead and laugh or smirk out of nowhere. that's more fun.
rather hear more of that in the stuffy cublicles than people speaking under
their breaths....

next observation: alright, so I'm a guy and we do have "guy talk" in which
we let loose with our werds and say excessive language that is not
acceptable to the female party. BUT i have been in the mix of different
ladies that there are some that use language equally if not worse than us
lads do. its pretty simple to talk with a filthy mouth saying if a "chick"
is hot and what you would do to her. (eww...i know, i know....) however -
what the heck is "girl talk"?? i can't imagine it being the same. girls
talking about guys and what they would do to them. that doesn't sound
right. in my mind, girl talk varies from smack talk about another girl
(because from my own observations, ladies are quite chatty and many of you
have admitted guilt to this) to overloading with the mushy talk of love.
the stuff in the middle are areas that metrosexual boys and super
sensitive, artsy nerds can still relate to.

i think i'm gonna start telling one joke a day to make people smile a
little bit more at work. how's that for affirmation?!?!

what's my grade?

I read this article today and thought it was funny. Thought I'd share as
it shows what lengths kids go to these days to not take a grade over again.
Remarks to follow:

BERLIN (Reuters) - A 16-year-old Berlin student was so worried he would
have to repeat a year at school because of poor marks he convinced two
friends to storm his class and steal the report cards with his bad grades.

"The student probably honestly believed that he could avoid repeating the
school year if he made the report cards disappear," said a spokesman for
local police Monday.

The youth sat quietly at the back of the classroom as the two masked
robbers, aged 14 and 15, burst in and threatened his teacher with a steel
bar if she did not hand over the reports.

After grabbing them, the two tried to flee but dropped the reports as other
students leapt to defend the teacher. The two were arrested close to the
school, and told police their friend had devised the raid because he was
afraid of flunking a year.

Police would not reveal what incentives the youth had offered the pair to
carry out the robbery, adding the youths faced legal consequences once
investigations were over.

REMARKS: can you imagine how this plan was conceived?

flunking kid: "No really - this isn't a joke. So you should come in and
steal the report cards."

friend #1: "have you gone mad? how much did you say you'll pay us for
this??"

friend #2: "and you'll still give us access to watch your extremely hot
sister take showers??"

this has to have happened, but seriously - how dumb can you be to think
that this could work with a "steel bar"??? a steel bar?? in a classroom
with probably 30 students. 30 STUDENTS! you gotta watch your set-ups with
this ploy, my friends.

Is it wasting time or moving forward?

So you complete college, get your entry level position, stick with it for
about 5 years (this includes the annual raises, promotions, and weekly
"monday blues"), gain some recognition within the company, and then
suddenly feel like you don't want to do it anymore. Not that it's a sudden
thing, but more possibly like a "I wasn't 100% sure" thing. This
especially happens when you submit to accepting any job straight outta
college to gain experience, but experience kept you in somewhat of a
comfort zone for too long. Things mask your initial goal to get the dream
job that you want (a.k.a. Huge Hefner's pesonal assistant, steven
spielburg's set aid/screenplay advisor, or Carmen Electra's lotion
latherer, etc., etc.) such as good benefits, a good retirement plan, and a
slew of paid vacation days. HOWEVER - you weren't 100% sure you wanted to
get into the thick of this job because a.) you had other personal goals in
mind 2.) you'd rather make more bank doing what you like in life and z.)
monotony kills. SO when you think you're gaining experience and moving
forward, you might actually be wasting time. Like digging a hole deeper as
you commit to what you really didn't intend on sticking with for so long.
The saying "...to get my feet wet" has turned into "I've drowned and am now
swimming with the fishes."

We all have aspirations and dreams for when we get outta college and it's
sad that I haven't met too many people that can actually say they love what
they do (...I've met a few, but to my own discretion have made me feel like
this is all they do with their lives, which scares me for not having a
different form of outlet ....this is a whole different story/thought all
together). And yes - I am quite aware that there isn't a perfect job or
circumstances (money, family, etc.) weigh in on why people do what they
need to do. Maybe I'm just an optomist or a 'good times avenger' but I
sometimes feel like it's a waste of time if your heart isn't entirely set
in what you do as a profession.

However - this has it's advantages as you can be more fearless to do more
"out of the box" projects. Yet again - another story all together.

Therefore - are you just wasting time or are you really moving forward??

My downfall will be.....

....not swallowing corporate/business office humor and having people assume
that I don't have a sense of humor. (Even though I'm proactive with the
jokes and even graduated from the funny school of Second City -
http://www.secondcity.com ).

....not realizing the goodness that's right in front of my face and trying
to look beyond it for something better, when in fact the best was right
under my nose.

....not taking more risks.

....being overwhelmingly funny and laughing at life situations where drama
is what's needed to be played out and focused on instead.

....money, women, and being a "guy."

....age catching up.

....daydreaming instead of doing.

....getting TOO comfortable and just "dealing with it" instead of saying
what I really feel.

....utilizing "complete the sentence" formats too much instead of writing
out more full, vivacious story/essay structured work to exercise my writing
ability.

exercising makes a difference

it really does make a difference when you get some exercising in your
routine. last night i went to the gym but haven't been there for about 2
weeks. surprisingly, i busted out 4 1/2 miles on the track. it felt
pretty good and i had a good stride going. i haven't run that long since
the Shamrock Shuffle (LaSalle Bank's infamous 8k run). there is definitely
this adrenaline kick rushing through your body after you get worked up like
that. i was eating my dinner standing up cause i was still moving around
afterwards - couldn't stop moving. then sleep - oh man - sleeping was
fan-tab-ulous! I was out cold and woke up refreshed. and today - i'm
still hoping around more so than I was in the beginning of the week
(besides my 5 cups of joe and 2 apples - j/k.....about the apples).

ANYHOO - my eye exercise has been "The Alchemist" by Paulo Cuelho. My
friend recommended it to me, but as I'm reading it I see how spiritual it
is. Not that I have anything against that genre of writing - also being
that I had to buy it from the metaphysical section of Borders. However, I
do seem to question the motives of the people that recommend these books to
others on the fact that they like it so much. Was it in general the fact
that this character overcame such a burden and used his wits and shear
repertoir of goodness to overcome it? OR was it a coincidence that you
(the reader) were going through life troubles and found this book to be
relatable in a metaphoric sense, making it the answer to your problems?
motivational if you will.....

Sometimes I have trouble listening to people's perceptions of books or
movies because I take into consideration what kind of person they are. I
know - its sorta elitist - but doesn't it make sense? you could be in the
worse situation w/work and then you go watch this movie about how a dude
overcomes his problems with his boss while getting the girl in the end
(alla Secret of my Success) AND thus makes it an awesome movie. But you
tell your friend Joe about it and he works in the construction biz and is
like, "What's so good about it?" He couldn't relate, but you gave that
recommendation to him w/out thinking....

Get my gist??

However, I digress because I'm not that sorta guy to be like "I'm not gonna
listen to your opinion cause I'm SO much better than you." Then again - I
am writing this blog post, now aren't I???
hhhhhhmmmmmmm.........

scent of a man

You know why there was never a movie called "Scent of a Man" in retort to
'Scent of a Woman'? Because the character of Al Pacino's would definitely
be yelling out a "WOO HA!" everytime a man with B.O. passed by.

I'm sorry, but come on guys - let's be real - when we get rancid, we can
surely GET RANCID! It's true - I'm guilty of it, my dad's guilty of it, my
fraternity brothers are definitely guilty of it, even baby cousins are
guilty of it. Let's analyze this, shall we:

Ever since we were little tykes playing with our monster Tonka trucks and
kung fu gripping G.I. Joe (or G.I. John for the cheaper kids), we'd
straight up poop in our pants. How convenient it was! But right then and
there, we stunk up that room boy! And thus it began - the scent of a man.

Then around puberty time, before we found out about body deodorant, we'd
play kickball during gym period. 20 minutes later in Science class, a cute
girl sitting next to you on those 2 person tabled filled classrooms, would
turn her subtle grin into a distasteful cringe. Not a pleasant moment and
you would know that it was your armpits drawing up those green squiggly
lines around your body.

SO then we get to your adult years when you figure you have the B.O. thing
down to a tee and you're pretty much in control with your cleanliness. You
shower, shave, pamper yourself with lotions, deodorants, and sometimes
cologne ("cause anything else would be uncivilized"). However, sometimes
there are those days when you eat at a restaurant that cook right in front
of you and cheese is a prime ingredient. The food scent sticks to you like
glue. There's your source of B.O.

OR sometimes you don't feel too well cause you went out drinkin with the
boys at the local tavern where everybody knows your name and yes, we've all
suffered from the next day "beer farts." Sorry to be crass, but it's an
epidemic that can't be excused. There's your source of B.O.

OR sometimes you get that athletic itch and go play basketball with the
guys at the park first thing in the morning w/out showering or putting on
some deodorant. After a couple of games, heat coming into play, and pores
opening up - you're in your puberty period all over again. Armpits drawing
squiggly lines. There's your source of B.O.

Thus my friends, as men, let's be careful of when we make an under the
breath remark like, "Oh gawd - it reeks in here" because you could be just
as much of a hypocrite when you start stinking up the corporate bathroom
after gallons of Guiness from last night.

The end.