Her majesty's a pretty nice girl but she doesn't have a lot to say

i'm a planner. i'm an initiator. i like to start things up for the sake
of peoples' interest and beings of good times. i like doing it, HOWEVER i
do get tired. i do get worn out. i do get weary. What i thrive off of is
appreciation or equal gesture. i'm a writer. i observe human behavior. i
pick up pretty quickly on the characteristics of people and understand the
good and bad qualities of each person. you may think you have a good
understanding too, but i have it down to detail where it is broken down by
questions of particular hand movements or seat adjustments. i even analyze
voice tones and posture. there are the little things that are understood
to be routine, however there is meaning behind it. WITH THIS, i know who
takes full advantage of my initiation. i know if i'm taken for granted for
the good things that i do. to some, they deserve it (the gift of giving)
because he/she has given back to me in someway. to others, they don't
deserve it because they're ASSUMING and they just understand it to be a
"jay thing" when in fact, it's actually an "everybody thing." for me, when
you jump into the cast of invitees, a helping hand is always a good gesture
-- but remember -- 1.) it's a HELPING hand, which means that you're
SUPPORTING where support is needed and 2.) never assume. don't take things
or people for granted, especially if its good gesture. now i don't go
LOOKING for people to get me back cause i know it doesn't always happen. i
like to set things up so everyone can have a good time and have something
to do. all i'm saying is that it can get tiresome to keep on going when
you don't get good feedback. you need a motivator. that's why people have
a muse, a girlfriend/wife, a fan club, a manager, or a family that knows
how to express feelings. even for my documentary, whenever i get a survey
back that says "good luck" or "this is something that needed to be done" or
"this is cool man" ...it makes me feel like i want to do more. i'm
actually reaching out to someone with something that i enjoy doing (unlike
being a doctor or a wedding planner or a priest). what if someone were to
plan something where i didn't give ANY help and it went smoothly and i
didn't have to worry about "who's driving?" or "who's going?" or "how
should we get there?" or "what time are we leaving?" someone would tell me
-- be ready at 7 pm to go here, bla bla will pick us up, bla bla will meet
us there, and then we can go to bla bla afterwards. as cool as that would
be....wierdly enough, i betcha i couldn't handle not having my hand
somewhere in there to help plan.

maybe this is some unknown condition. give-alot-without-getting-back-itis.
whatever. shut up jay....just do your thing.

i just want to run and sleep now.

imma be in jersey for christmas if you're interested.