contracts and file folders

Do you like what you do for a living? Does it challenge you the way you
want to be challenged? Does it truly interest you that sometimes you don't
even think it's work?

For me - my job is 'okay.' It's still a general job type and isn't
terrible. I work with great people - people that dig what they're doing.
I'm free to work w/out supervision as I'm pretty sufficient in what I do.
However, do I like it? "Hate" is such a strong word, but let's just say
that it's not what I wish to be doing for the rest of my life. I studied
films in college and have been writing my own scripts and screenplays for
over 5 years....but nothing has surmounted from it. And now I'm doing this
documentary. It's my escape from my everyday, monotonous routine at my
daily job. it keeps me on my toes and greatly interests me. However, it
doesn't pay the bills like my day job does. So - I need to start from the
bottom and work hard at it. But I still need to do my day job along the
way.

Have you ever started a job? It's hard to preach an "idea" to people and
get them interested in helping you out. And what's the worst part about it
all is that the part that I'm the weakest in that needs to be the strongest
is FINANCE. You need money to make money. It's sadly that simple and
true.

Making this movie, presenting this concert with just the aid of myself and
2 or 3 people is VERY difficult. I'm sorta surprised I haven't broken down
yet, but maybe it's because I'm confronted that fear from past experiences.
I'm very confident on what I can accomplish and know that I can make both
projects a huge success. What sucks is money! Money has always been the
devil to me and will always be the deciding factor on helping or hurting
me. Right now, it's hurting me.

So when I go out to look for donations or sponsorships, unlike a bumb or a
homeless guy, you DO know where you're money is going. And hearing "I'll
help you out later on" isn't helping me right now. Right now, I wish I had
an extra $500 bucks of a cushion to have better marketing and free stuff
for people to volunteer. But I don't. And this is how dreams die.

I've always been optomistic with society and the aid of friends. I believe
in good karma and think that when I help anyone in the world with anything,
it should come back to me in some other fashion. I don't drag people down
with my own problems and I carry as much or even more weight than the next
guy. But right now, I do have to admit that these projects are hurting me.
Hurting me so much that the overwhelming stress makes me grumpy and unfun
to be with. These aren't traits that I like to embellish, but everyone has
a dark side that they're hiding.

HOWEVER - I'm not a quitter and I'm not a afraid of what's in my way. I
take advantage of this blog to release myself from struggles that I face.
Hopefully y'all will learn from something I share. Otherwise - if you're
in Illinois - GO TO THE SHOW!!

later.